After
the attack at Charlie Hebdo, I want to do something. But what does ‘doing something’ mean? Diary of a struggle.
January
7th, 12.30 PM
I listen to the radio and
hear about the attack at Charlie Hebdo. Charlie Hebdo? Never heard of it. There
are still many unknowns. I’d like to say that I am glued to radio, TV and internet
for the rest of the day, but that’s not true. I go into town.
January
7th, 9.00 PM
I come home and start to
read more about the attack. I’m shocked, but my emotions don’t go very deep. I
live in a world where news has become entertainment, and entertainment news.
Almost nothing shakes me to the core. I try to tweet the cartoon above. The
WiFi signal is too weak. I decide to try it again tomorrow and go to bed.
January
8th, 8.00 AM
As is often the case, the
best ideas arise when I’m taking a shower. This is not okay. I have to do
something. If only to wake myself up. In a speeded-up society like ours, I
decide to give the most valuable thing that I have to offer: time. I will spend
all the time needed to read, watch and listen to everything that I can find on
#CharlieHebdo.
January
8th, 4.00 PM
I’ve read the Volkskrant,* sifted through Twitter,
watched De Wereld Draait Door.** I
know everything and feel dizzy. It’s as if my head is filled with cotton wool.
I feel sadness, impotence, a head ache. There is no point to this. I know
everything, but understand nothing. I know everything, but I haven’t reflected.
I know everything, but I haven’t done anything.
January
8th, 5.00 PM
I decide to make something.
A small tribute for the victims. To show that I’m angry and sad. That I admire
those who dare to say what they think. I find it difficult enough to speak my
mind without a gun to my face.
Good, I will make something.
But what? I wish I could write satire. Or draw a cartoon that’s spot-on. I try
to think of a good joke, but my sense of humour is nowhere to be found. I
decide to write something.
January
8th, 8.00 PM
My cynical side starts to
take over. Why do I want to do something now, while I usually put aside the
newspaper and continue my life? What difference does it make? By the way,
what’s up with all this navel-gazing? This is not about me.
January
8th, 9.00 PM
As with the shower, good
ideas often come up in conversations with my mom. We talk on the phone for an
hour. About that doing nothing is also a choice. That you sometimes do
something in order to do something, even if it has no direct consequences. That
everyone can do something in their own way: a demonstration, a drawing, a
thought. That we’re already doing something, simply by talking about it.
January
9th, 11.00 AM
I’ve just finished my tribute.
I feel blessed to live in a country where I’m allowed to create whatever I
want. Where I can think and have doubts, be cynical and idealistic. I praise
those who use and defend these freedoms to the extreme.
Je suis Charlie.
* The Volkskrant is one of the major Dutch newspapers.
** De Wereld Draait Door is a daily talk show on Dutch public
television.
