Je suis Charlie. Que dois-je faire? (English)

After the attack at Charlie Hebdo, I want to do something. But what does ‘doing something’ mean? Diary of a struggle.

January 7th, 12.30 PM

I listen to the radio and hear about the attack at Charlie Hebdo. Charlie Hebdo? Never heard of it. There are still many unknowns. I’d like to say that I am glued to radio, TV and internet for the rest of the day, but that’s not true. I go into town.

January 7th, 9.00 PM

I come home and start to read more about the attack. I’m shocked, but my emotions don’t go very deep. I live in a world where news has become entertainment, and entertainment news. Almost nothing shakes me to the core. I try to tweet the cartoon above. The WiFi signal is too weak. I decide to try it again tomorrow and go to bed.

January 8th, 8.00 AM

As is often the case, the best ideas arise when I’m taking a shower. This is not okay. I have to do something. If only to wake myself up. In a speeded-up society like ours, I decide to give the most valuable thing that I have to offer: time. I will spend all the time needed to read, watch and listen to everything that I can find on #CharlieHebdo.

January 8th, 4.00 PM

I’ve read the Volkskrant,* sifted through Twitter, watched De Wereld Draait Door.** I know everything and feel dizzy. It’s as if my head is filled with cotton wool. I feel sadness, impotence, a head ache. There is no point to this. I know everything, but understand nothing. I know everything, but I haven’t reflected. I know everything, but I haven’t done anything.

January 8th, 5.00 PM

I decide to make something. A small tribute for the victims. To show that I’m angry and sad. That I admire those who dare to say what they think. I find it difficult enough to speak my mind without a gun to my face.

Good, I will make something. But what? I wish I could write satire. Or draw a cartoon that’s spot-on. I try to think of a good joke, but my sense of humour is nowhere to be found. I decide to write something.

January 8th, 8.00 PM

My cynical side starts to take over. Why do I want to do something now, while I usually put aside the newspaper and continue my life? What difference does it make? By the way, what’s up with all this navel-gazing? This is not about me.

January 8th, 9.00 PM

As with the shower, good ideas often come up in conversations with my mom. We talk on the phone for an hour. About that doing nothing is also a choice. That you sometimes do something in order to do something, even if it has no direct consequences. That everyone can do something in their own way: a demonstration, a drawing, a thought. That we’re already doing something, simply by talking about it.

January 9th, 11.00 AM

I’ve just finished my tribute. I feel blessed to live in a country where I’m allowed to create whatever I want. Where I can think and have doubts, be cynical and idealistic. I praise those who use and defend these freedoms to the extreme.

Je suis Charlie.

* The Volkskrant is one of the major Dutch newspapers.

** De Wereld Draait Door is a daily talk show on Dutch public television.